What is Your Attachment Style?

And What Can You Do About It?

Have you ever noticed how people behave differently in their romantic relationships? Some people are very affectionate and seek a lot of physical closeness, while others seem to need more personal space. These differences are often linked to attachment styles. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, suggests that the attachment between a child and their caregiver in the early years of life has a significant impact on the child’s emotional and social development.

Early in life, an emotional bond develops between an infant and their caregiver based on the caregiver’s behaviors towards the infant, specifically with how available and responsive they are when the infant needs comfort. When our attachment styles form during infancy, it follows us throughout our lifetime as we form friendships and romantic partnerships. Research has shown that individuals with different attachment styles tend to have distinct patterns of relating to their partners, which can affect everything including communication, conflict resolution, emotional intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction. With this in mind, it's important to understand what attachment styles are and how they can affect our relationships.

Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment

Individuals who have a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy, and have a positive view of themselves and others. They can also depend on others, yet feel comfortable being by themselves. They are more likely to have positive relationship outcomes, such as greater satisfaction and longevity.

Caregivers that provide consistency and stability to an infant may make them feel more secure. If an infant can easily be soothed by their caregivers when in distress, then they feel secure in the attachment bond. 

Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment

The anxious/preoccupied attachment style is typically characterized by a negative view of self and a positive view of others. Individuals with this attachment style may have a strong fear of abandonment, which may result in jealousy and distrust of their partners, codependency, and clinginess. They may also go through desperate measures to repair a relationship, and are often the first ones to attempt to solve conflict.

An infant may develop anxious/preoccupied attachment if the caregiver is inconsistent in their responsiveness, or tries to meet their own emotional needs, rather than the infant’s.  The infant may reject the caregiver, who will find it difficult to soothe the infant.

Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment

Individuals who have an avoidant/dismissive attachment style have difficulty engaging in intimacy and depending on others. They typically have a positive view of self and a negative view of others, therefore, may have difficulty building close relationships. These individuals are also independent and avoid conflict as much as they can in their relationships.

If a caregiver is emotionally unavailable, distant, or even intolerable of an infant’s emotional needs, the infant may adopt those traits and become uninterested in the caregiver. Overall, infants with an avoidant/dismissive attachment do not seek comfort in the caregiver and will develop a sense of self-reliance in childhood.

Disorganized/Fearful Attachment

The disorganized/fearful attachment style is often a combination of the anxious/preoccupied and avoidant/dismissive attachment styles. Individuals with this attachment style have a negative view of self and others, and often have inconsistency in their social behaviors. They may struggle with contradictory or unpredictable feelings and behaviors in their relationships.

An infant develops a dismissive/fearful attachment style if a caregiver becomes a source of fear through them, such as through abuse or other forms of violence. 

Attachment styles throughout Life

Even though initial research suggests that attachment forms during infancy and can be carried into our adult relationships, that does not mean the attachment style formed is what we will be stuck with for the rest of our lives. Experiences such as trauma, abuse, divorce, or other events that impact us may also influence our attachment style. In addition, our attachment styles can change over time and with different people. Awareness is the first step towards learning to develop a secure attachment style. By understanding your own attachment style and that of your partner, you can work to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships based on trust, communication, and emotional support.

What Defines Trauma and How Can You Recognize It?

Most of us think we know what trauma is.  However, there are different types of trauma and plenty of different ways people respond to it.  In its simplest form, trauma is a psychological response to a highly stressful event.  We often associate trauma with soldiers coming home from combat.  However, according to the Sidran Institute, an organization for Traumatic Stress Education & Advocacy, it is estimated that 70% of adults in the United States have experienced a traumatic event at least once in their lives. 

Common examples of major trauma

Violence

Domestic violence, rape, sexual assault or abuse,  physical assault, verbal abuse or child abuse

Death or Medical Emergencies

Survivors of fatal accidents, being diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, invasive medical procedures, a death of a close friend or relative

Catastrophic Events

Veterans or civilian victims of war, natural disasters, plane crashes, terrorist attacks

Other Trauma

There are many other experiences that people don’t identify as trauma, but are very real and create the same devastating symptoms.  A few examples include:

• Parents going through a divorce

• Losing a job

• Financial instability

• Death of a close friend or pet

Some less obvious examples include:

• Driving on a busy highway

• Public speaking

• Getting a bad grade

• Being reprimanded by a parent, coach or boss

• Discrimination

• Social injustice

The key learning is, if you or a loved one personally experience the symptoms of trauma from any event, it can be identified as trauma for you, even if other people don’t understand or see things the way you do.

Signs of Trauma

People often respond to trauma differently and the effects of trauma don’t always manifest themselves right away.  Even when they do, they’re not always easy to recognize.  With that in mind, let’s look at some of the common symptoms of trauma:

Common Symptoms of Trauma

Psychological Effects of Trauma

Some symptoms can show up immediately, others may take time to surface depending on the type of trauma you’ve experienced. For example, it’s not uncommon for survivors of childhood abuse to have low self-esteem and feel guilty or ashamed well into adulthood. You may not fully understand why if you’ve repressed some of those memories.  Longer-term reactions to trauma typically include things like flashbacks and difficulty controlling your emotions.  The lasting effects of trauma can even impact your relationships. You might feel the need to withdraw from others, or you might be overly dependent because of what you’ve gone through.

Physical Effects of Trauma

Though the lasting mental health effects of trauma are serious, you can also experience physical symptoms that have a negative impact on your life.  Some of the most immediate physical issues include things like headaches, nausea, a racing heart, and fatigue.  Unfortunately, these symptoms can last well after the traumatic experience has passed if you struggle with holding onto fear or anxiety from it. You might have lingering digestive issues, difficulty sleeping, or frequent headaches that impact your quality of life. 

Sometimes it can be difficult to distinguish the physical symptoms of trauma and to disregard them as something else.  However, by recognizing the pattern of physical issues in addition to the psychological symptoms, it may be easier to determine that something more serious may be going on beneath the surface.

What Should You Do?

If you or someone you know has been through a traumatic experience, it’s never too late to get help.  Counseling is often the best treatment option for trauma survivors.  A counselor will help you better understand your situation, including how and where it started.  It’s not always easy to get to the root cause of trauma. However, it’s often a necessary first step in the healing process. A counselor can offer a safe, neutral space for you to get to that root cause.  From there, you’ll also work through strategies to express yourself and your feelings, as well as different ways to cope. You’ll develop a better understanding of your “triggers,” and what to do when you experience them.

Trauma can alter your life, but it doesn’t have to control it forever. No matter what kind of experience you’ve been through, there is hope and there is help.