And What Can You Do About It?
Have you ever noticed how people behave differently in their romantic relationships? Some people are very affectionate and seek a lot of physical closeness, while others seem to need more personal space. These differences are often linked to attachment styles. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, suggests that the attachment between a child and their caregiver in the early years of life has a significant impact on the child’s emotional and social development.
Early in life, an emotional bond develops between an infant and their caregiver based on the caregiver’s behaviors towards the infant, specifically with how available and responsive they are when the infant needs comfort. When our attachment styles form during infancy, it follows us throughout our lifetime as we form friendships and romantic partnerships. Research has shown that individuals with different attachment styles tend to have distinct patterns of relating to their partners, which can affect everything including communication, conflict resolution, emotional intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction. With this in mind, it's important to understand what attachment styles are and how they can affect our relationships.
Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment
Individuals who have a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy, and have a positive view of themselves and others. They can also depend on others, yet feel comfortable being by themselves. They are more likely to have positive relationship outcomes, such as greater satisfaction and longevity.
Caregivers that provide consistency and stability to an infant may make them feel more secure. If an infant can easily be soothed by their caregivers when in distress, then they feel secure in the attachment bond.
Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment
The anxious/preoccupied attachment style is typically characterized by a negative view of self and a positive view of others. Individuals with this attachment style may have a strong fear of abandonment, which may result in jealousy and distrust of their partners, codependency, and clinginess. They may also go through desperate measures to repair a relationship, and are often the first ones to attempt to solve conflict.
An infant may develop anxious/preoccupied attachment if the caregiver is inconsistent in their responsiveness, or tries to meet their own emotional needs, rather than the infant’s. The infant may reject the caregiver, who will find it difficult to soothe the infant.
Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment
Individuals who have an avoidant/dismissive attachment style have difficulty engaging in intimacy and depending on others. They typically have a positive view of self and a negative view of others, therefore, may have difficulty building close relationships. These individuals are also independent and avoid conflict as much as they can in their relationships.
If a caregiver is emotionally unavailable, distant, or even intolerable of an infant’s emotional needs, the infant may adopt those traits and become uninterested in the caregiver. Overall, infants with an avoidant/dismissive attachment do not seek comfort in the caregiver and will develop a sense of self-reliance in childhood.
Disorganized/Fearful Attachment
The disorganized/fearful attachment style is often a combination of the anxious/preoccupied and avoidant/dismissive attachment styles. Individuals with this attachment style have a negative view of self and others, and often have inconsistency in their social behaviors. They may struggle with contradictory or unpredictable feelings and behaviors in their relationships.
An infant develops a dismissive/fearful attachment style if a caregiver becomes a source of fear through them, such as through abuse or other forms of violence.
Attachment styles throughout Life
Even though initial research suggests that attachment forms during infancy and can be carried into our adult relationships, that does not mean the attachment style formed is what we will be stuck with for the rest of our lives. Experiences such as trauma, abuse, divorce, or other events that impact us may also influence our attachment style. In addition, our attachment styles can change over time and with different people. Awareness is the first step towards learning to develop a secure attachment style. By understanding your own attachment style and that of your partner, you can work to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships based on trust, communication, and emotional support.
